Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with the changes I want to make in my life – and for once, it’s a change I want to see in “me, the person!” I don’t want changes in terms of my relationships, work or everyday things that I do. I just want to become the real me – one that has been hiding within the different layers for a long time.

I have to reduce weight – no, not because I’m fat – I want to reduce weight because I want the inner me to get a chance to come out and play! I see her daily fretting and fuming at the excess cover-up. She’s desperate to rid herself of the blacks and greys, the loose Ts and the over-sized tops. She wants to walk tall with confidence.

I’ve already begun the process of exercising and eating healthy – but of course I constantly seem to be slipping. Its like I lack motivation – I always need someone to goad me on. I’m diligent for a week and then feeling happy and wanting to celebrate that small success, I go back and binge.

Every time I’m upset, angry, hurt, depressed I turn to food for comfort. Why do I do that? Why am I unable to break that bond? Why do I fail to seek solace elsewhere other than food?

Why?

Is it because I’m constantly looking for support from the wrong people? Perhaps, they’re not the ‘wrong’ people – but those who feel that passing rude comments and always pointing out the flaws is the ‘right’ way of encouraging me to stay on track. Perhaps they feel that they must always give me well meaning ‘advice’. How do I stop that? Do I just equally rudely tell them that I don’t need their advice – I’ll ask when or if I ever need it. Till then they can keep their opinions to themselves.

Or should I just strengthen my ability to hear but ignore them – not give them the power to make me feel miserable. Or should I simply acknowledge that this is ‘their way’ of looking at my situation? I don’t need to view it the same way and therefore it shouldn’t matter.

I know that my love for baking isn’t helping me either – I do look out for ways to bake in moderation (like mostly when I’m expecting guests or when there is a reason to celebrate) and bake healthy (using whole wheat, honey and dates as sugar substitutes etc). Unfortunately my hobby is looked on as a means to sabotage myself. Perhaps its the truth as I love to eat what I bake as much as I love baking itself! Then why do I feel resentful? Why do I hurt thinking that it translates to a lack of interest in my personal outlet? Especially, one that gives me much happiness and satisfaction. How do I deal with it? Should I refrain from eating what I bake? Or should I find an alternative personal outlet?

I want to learn the art of hair-do and make-up. I’m not a diva (I’m not, period!) I’m therefore not keen to waste time wanting to be one. But I do want to look good and well made up. I’ve been going through the various tutorials and information available on YouTube – it’s opened up an amazing new world. Simultaneously I want to dress well too. For the longest time I’ve depended on others to pick and choose colours and clothes for me.  I could never get my head around doing it myself since I had a natural affinity to finding ways to hide myself beneath blacks, greys and loose, ill-fitting clothes! Wearing anything other than black, white or grey felt like a giant step towards being ‘experimental’. Of course my present reality also means that I can’t find well fitting, good looking ready-made clothes in my size.

Ah that vicious cycle again – unhappy not to find clothes in my size means getting depressed and turning to food for comfort!

A part of me questions why am I looking for outer beauty when inner beauty matters the most? Why do I have this overwhelming need to fit into the role the world wants me to play? Why do I want to adhere to societal pressure?

And another part of me says, the world doesn’t matter – if my present situation makes me unhappy and uncomfortable then it’s but natural for me to want to alleviate that – to make a change that will make me happy.

Then again sometimes I feel I should just stop thinking so much!