I write therefore I am

Price of Admission

Damn! As I sat reading ‘F. Scott Fitzgerald on the Secret of Great Writing by Maria Popova,’ I realised that I wasn’t yet ready to pay the price of admission. And there I was thinking of beginning work on the novel this year!

I know I have the relevant skills to emote well on paper (ok fine, my laptop!) but then why did I stop short of saying exactly what was in my mind? What was I afraid of? Or did I not have the gumption to accept defeat, feel the fear, face the adversity or stand my ground? Yeah, I think that’s it. I was afraid.

I did write but always have the reader in mind – no, not ‘anyone’ who perhaps might accidently find my blog while surfing. They didn’t scare me. I feared those whom I knew, those who would understand, read between the lines and make the connections. I feared that I wouldn’t stay ‘nice’ anymore. I feared being judged.

Then why did I write?

I guess because there is clarity in my thinking when I’m writing not when I’m facing another individual – in those moments I’m more concerned about saying the ‘right’ things, being acceptable, sounding objective.

I guess because I’m a loner. As I’d accepted some time ago I like being alone. When alone I don’t feel lonely. Writing is a lonesome experience – so only my thoughts matter, people don’t. 

I guess because it makes me feel free – free from the hurt, sadness, anger. I’m vocal when I’m writing! Writing helps me vent – the emotions flow out of my system and then I feel alright, lighter. It allows me the strength to get back into action.

So what am I saying here? I write to give vent to my emotions,  my deepest thoughts. Yet, when writing, I hold back those same emotions because I don’t have the courage to pay the price of admission? That’s so warped! Yet so bloody true!

So how do I let go? How do I learn to let go?

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on January 16, 2013 by in Reflections and tagged , , , , , , , .


Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,785 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 3,523 hits
Protected by Copyscape DMCA Takedown Notice Violation Search
Sugarfree Sweetheart

an illustrated diabetic-friendly food blog

The Green Tree

Rain, sunshine, magical world, keep walking!

The Bookshelf of Emily J.


Doodles By Me

Daily Inspirations and Doodles by Me!

My Lover's Wife

The life and times of a new wife trying to be the best Mrs. and me!

Cheeni Thoughts

a lifestyle blog!

My Daughters' Mum

Mother, woman, lover, daughter, myself: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts

The Chatterjis Blog

The Uncensored Household

%d bloggers like this: