I just want this to end – this continuous vacillation is irritating me no end. It’s not letting me be in peace with myself either. If it has to end, let it – I just want to bring it to a close and move on with my life!
Yes, my priority has changed and I want to concentrate only on that. I don’t want to feel drawn back to my earlier life where work and career were the highlights – where nothing else mattered as there was nothing else to look forward to. Now I have a completely new life to look forward to. Why can’t I be at peace doing just that?
There is a constant tug and pull between the then and now and it’s taking a toll on me. I’m being told that I’m being foolish – I have to bring closure to one before I can move on to the other. Instead, what I’m doing right now is procrastinating – I’m stalling about making a decision. Damn it! So what if I’m stalling!
Perhaps it’s because I don’t have the gumption to face the situation. I’m just too scared of making a fool of myself, especially since I’ve always been so particular about what people thought about me. People’s views shaped me as a person, made me who I am. A change would mean changing their perception and might make me resemble someone who isn’t the real me.
Really?! Don’t I have an existence that goes beyond what people think? What people see isn’t the real me – I fear vulnerability and so the real me is hidden within several layers.
Perhaps, I just don’t want to take that decision. I’ve always been reactive to situations, and that too only when my back’s against the wall. I’ve stalled facing up to a situation till the very end. Perhaps now too I was doing just that. I’m trying to find that loophole in my head that will allow me the freedom to get what I want without having to do anything about it.
Who was I fooling? Who was I hurting? Who is the one person to be most impacted with this? Ha! Me of course!
What had I to lose? What would happen if I did make the decision? Wait, let’s rephrase that, what is the one thing that would change if I did take that decision? Would it make people feel that I appreciated myself enough to take a stand? That I valued me as a person? That I took cognizance of my abilities? That I matter to myself? That I wasn’t anyone’s fool to be taken for granted?
Was there really no end in sight?!