Talking is good, expressive, a release, gives vent to pent up emotions or so I thought till I met her. She had a compelling need to say something, all the time. It’s made me realise that silence is such a pleasure, so satisfying and has a wonderful calming effect.
Was I being too cynical? People do talk and converse with each other to share their thoughts, feelings, express disgust or voice concern. I talk too but in moderation. I’ve never been a good conversationalist. I prefer to listen instead, watch gestures and try to grasp their intent through body language. It’s fun to do that. You get to hear so much more from people than they’re willing to say if you only allowed them to speak freely.
Then why does her monologue irritate me so much? Is it because it’s always about ‘her’? Is it because she repeats the same things over and over again? Is it because I know, that sometimes she says things she believes she means, but doesn’t? Is it because now when she talks about times gone by, relationships gone sour there is no one to contradict her? Is it because I know that she’s always trying to portray herself as the righteous with-holder of morality, one with an open mind, one who is always accommodating and accepting of people’s flaws…yet I know none of that is true. I know as I’ve heard her contradicting herself on numerous occasions. Perhaps, it was true sometimes but definitely not always, as she would have me believe.
Her voice drones on while I sometimes loose track of what she’s saying. They could be about her growing up years when she wanted to achieve greater heights yet wasn’t allowed due to family pressures, it could be about wanting to travel and work, meet new people, go places, dress up but always being restricted within a certain boundary. Or it could be about how she was treated as a young bride and her relationship with the family. She could be talking about how she always knew something wouldn’t work out but no one listened. Nuances on the television soaps might elicit a question or reaction which is controversial but she will always voice the opinion about how she is more tolerant and accepting of changing times and therefore changing perceptions.
Perhaps sometimes she’s right and means well but it happens so often that you know that she’s playing to the gallery. She doesn’t mean those things because her outlook and thought process are different. Then why was there still that need to sound right, always?
Is it because she’s insecure and unsure of herself? Is it because she feels the strong need to be wanted and accepted by society? Is it because she’s scared of having an opinion, different from others which she would need to defend?
I don’t converse with her when she talks as I feel that she really doesn’t want to listen to what I may have to say. She truly likes to hear her own voice, it’s more her need to be heard and so I just let her talk. Was I being rude? Should I involve myself more often? Should I respond appropriately?
Sometimes, I also feel that there aren’t too many people who like to converse with her, so if she gets the opportunity let her have it. Or perhaps I feel like its best not to get into a dialogue with her. Now, at least she has her say and moves on. If I responded then it would become a conversation which could get tedious. So it’s better to give her a patient hearing.
And so, strangely, even though sometimes I too might have something to share, I can’t understand how to interject and say it especially since she seems so contended for it to just be a monologue.