I write therefore I am

What is it?

8 July, 2011

There is something really wrong here…and I can’t place my finger on it. It’s almost like I’m lost…there is somewhere I need to go…something I need to do…yet I don’t know what. I’m at a crossroad…roads all around yet…all dark…nothing is clear. Where do I go from here?

Signs all over the place…signs to do something with my life…yet what? What is it that I do? Should I let go…of the pain…hurt…the lost battle… Is it worth it me stressing over it? The writing is on the wall and I should just read it and move on.

If I know what I should do, then what is stopping me? Why am I feeling so depressed? It’s like I have nothing to live for…

I see everyone around me taking life in their stride and painting a picture with rainbow colours. Yet I’m stuck within this darkness. I stand alone with nothing in my hand. I can see light far away…yet it’s so far that no matter how fast I walk…I cannot reach it.

I feel helpless…I do want to stretch my hand and reach the light…see the light envelope me like it did a few years ago…when I was so inspired by words…words that made me come alive…

I’m living a lie…everyone around me thinks I’m in control…yet I’m losing control so fast that I don’t even want to interact with people any more. I just want to waste away. Yet a part of me wants to take a stance…make a difference…make it worthwhile…

Wasn’t it me who made the changes I wanted to see…then why am I complaining now? I should stop it. Stop clinging…break away from this mould where all the success, happiness, dreams, wants, wishes are all in my head…when in the confines of a room, sitting before a machine, I come alive…or do I?

No I don’t come alive. I live in the past…I live someone else’s life…I see the same things…I hear them repeatedly…it doesn’t make me feel good…happy…it just makes time go by…when I don’t have to be in control…there is no uncertainty…I know the outcome…I know what will happen…

Suddenly I snap out of it…feeling that was time lost…there could have been so much that I could have done during those moments…precious time…all gone…like sand slipping through my fingers…

Am I that weak? That I can’t take a stand…can’t make a difference…when will I stop procrastinating…and then if I’m hauled up for it…I feel sorry for myself…why?

What is it? What is wrong with me? I’m alone for I choose to be alone…there was a time I could keep me company…now…I feel like I have to stuff that time with things uncalled for…things that don’t matter to anyone…why?

It’s all slipping away…everything I did…everything I had made for myself…is now just going away…I can see it happen before me…and its not that I can’t stop it…it’s like a vicious cycle…I don’t do anything…therefore nothing happens…and when it doesn’t happen…I feel bad…I feel useless…hopeless…helpless…and then…I feel even worse…that nothing is happening…nothing good is happening…but isn’t it all in the mind…

I’m responsible for my actions…I’m responsible for my lack of actions…and there is just no one to blame…it’s all me…the buck stops with me…only I can make a differene…only I can believe I can change it…and if I don’t then that is it…no one will help me…of course because no one knows…no one is aware that I’m breaking up inside…

Help…but who can I ask for help? It’s only me…it’s only me standing all alone in this darkness…which is overwhelming my being…my thoughts…I feel like I have nothing to live for…

I only have to tell myself I don’t need protection…I can do this…in the garb of protecting myself…I’m just closeting myself in my thoughts and inaction…I’m responsible for the way I am today…

It’s no one’s fault…I have just stopped hoping…praying…who am I? I don’t knnow…not anymore…the sun’s gone down on me…how do I rid myself of this incompetence…why do I feel that will be right again…why can’t I make me snap out…that it is all my fault…I just have to stand up…look towards the light…and slowly let the darkness fade away…it will only if I just look towards the light…and not the darkness that surrounds me…I have to pick myself up again…

This is not me…I can do it…I have to pick myself up…I must walk that mile alone…not look for a helping hand…a shoulder to lean on…not becaue I don’t need it…but because I’ve done this before…and I can do it once again…I can make it happen…

Snap my finger…and let it all go away…cleanse myself…feel free…and fresh…smell the roses…watch the sun rise again…I just need to see it that way…and then it will alright…it will…

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This entry was posted on March 21, 2012 by in Mixed Up.

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