Tempting Fate?

9 July 2011

There is just so much within my head and heart that it’s like testing the limits of how much I can bear…for how long? They’re brimming at the edges…a slight scratch…a word…a look…and its painful to hold on to the tears…

Am I that weak? I sometimes wonder…then I think I just need a good long cry…and I’ll be fine…or will I?

Perhaps I read too much into the feelings…words…situations…reactions…perhaps I over-complicate things…perhaps I internalise them so much that they no longer have a life of their own…that I don’t see them as standalone events….perhaps I connect all the dots to make them reconnect with everything that has happened…and make them larger than life…and that’s when all hell breaks loose…

Why do I do that? Is that natural?

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me…listen to me talk…not comment…hold me while I break down…understand where I’m coming from…help me deal with all that has happened…and help me put things in perspective…I’ve been doing that on my own for so long that I can’t do it anymore…

Does it mean I don’t want solutions? No, it just means that I want to come to the solutions myself…coz I know what works for me…coz I know my drawbacks…coz I know what hurts…coz I know what I cannot deal with…coz it will be me facing those changes…coz it will impact me…

So who do I need? Who can I reach out to? Who will understand?

Perhaps I just need to drown in all the pain, hurt, sorrow…drink till I pass out…and then just walk out leaving all that baggage behind…

What am I afraid of? Who am I afraid of?

Me…its me…coz I have created this world around me…coz I have created this image of me…coz I am a different person when I’m before the world…coz I’m that person who is strong mentally and emotionally, who can deal with situations…which is just such a lie! I’m weak, broken, insecure, clueless and I’m groping around for support…

Perhaps I think too much…perhaps I’m unable to feel with my heart and think with my head…perhaps I’m so confused that I don’t know where to draw the line anymore…perhaps I don’t have the capability to think straight anymore…

Why am I losing it? Why can’t I control this freaked out heart-head combination which is creating such havoc? Why can’t I simply shut one of them out…completely…

Is it because there was a time when my head ruled so totally that I wasn’t the real me…I protected the vulnerable me from the world…no one knew that truth except me…people thought I was cold and heartless…

Then the real me started playing peek-a-boo…slowly and steadily till the heart started to take the decisions…till I wanted to do the things I’ve always wanted to do…and the battle within began…the head vs heart battle…and in between I started loosing out…I was torn…I was divided in my belief…in my outlook…senselessly I was trying to make ‘sense’ of it all…I was vascilating between being emotional and emotionless…the moods swings began in all earnest…I was loosing control…

Today I think I’m at a crossroad where I’ve lost it…I’m torn between wanting to do what is ‘right’ and what I ‘want’ to do…and this confusion of course now means I don’t know what I want anymore from life…from me…

I have only one life…and I know it…I do want to make it something that I won’t be ashamed of when I’m old and dying…I don’t want to have regrets…I’m losing time…I won’t ever get this back…then what do I do…

Where do I go from here? Why can’t anyone believe me when I say I ‘don’t know’? I really don’t…everyday I just go on this roller coaster ride sometimes feelingI know what I’m doing and at other times overwhelmed by this feeling of being lost…

I can’t find a road out of this maze…this vicious cycle…its grip over me is too strong for me to let go…

But who do I turn to? No one…

Is it because no one can help me except me? Is it because I am responsible for being in this position? Is it because I created this monster, let this parasite loose to eat me up within?

As I said I just don’t know…

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