I write therefore I am

Is this it?

31 July 2011

I’ve been at it for a while now…trying to find the me…the me that matters to me…that is the real me who is courageous, strong, has tremendous will power, can make a difference…not the me that I am today…one that needs layers of protection to hide…

I had promised to tell myself everyday I don’t need protection…but it didn’t help…years of conditioning just scrapped my resistence…I gave up so easily…for all the thinking in my head..I was powerless…

I hate it…that I can think of all the changes I’d like to make…think of the new person who will create such an impact that most people will automatically stay away from me…the ones who mess with my head and my life…will leave me alone…but…

I only think…there is no action…as someone recently told me…if you don’t have an opinion, you don’t count! Well it can sound harsh but is bloody true…if none of my thinking translates into action then whats the point…it doesn’t matter…

I will never make a difference…I will continue to waste away…why can’t I take a stand…what am I afraid of? What is it that I find so terrifying…that it goads me to ‘in-action’?

Is it because I lack the real want to make a difference? Is it that I’m trying to make a difference coz that again will change the impression people have about me? Which means I don’t want to make a change for myself but for others? Is that what somewhere deep down I’m resisting anyway…so its alike a vicious cycle…that I can’t seem to step out of…

What’s the point then? Is that thinking what stops me too? There is a point!!! I mean something to me…people always don’t matter…do I matter to myself? Do I love me? I wonder…and I think I don’t…not as much as I should…or else I wouldn’t let this happen to me…

The impression some outsiders have are so positive…that value me and what I bring into their lives…then why can’t I use that positivity to wipe the slate clean and paint a new picture…a happy me…a I’m proud to be me picture…I can do it…I can!

There is just so much that I want to do…there is so much left to be done…there is so much that life has to offer me…and I’m just wasting it all away…for what? Just for the thought that I might not make it? So bloody WHAT?!

So the truth is that it is ‘me’ stopping ‘me’ from making the change? So it is true that there is no one else to blame but me…the negativity, lack of confidence within has been given so much credibility that I just can’t break from it…at one time, there was someone who made me want the real me as much as I wanted it myself…and helped break the mould…and now I’ve lost that person…because of the person I am myself…I pushed the person away…and now I crave for that presence…who understand and prompted the positivity…helped me face the sun always…look up to the light…the breath of fresh air…

I want that time back…the person back…just don’t know how…or is it that I do know…and its again ‘me’ stopping ‘me’ from achieving that…god damn it! Let go…

Just let go…you can do it…you have yourself to prove to more than the world…just remember that…go for it…

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This entry was posted on March 21, 2012 by in Mixed Up.

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