30 July 2011

…I don’t feel them at all…my feet…fingers…the tip of my nose…they’re cold…I’m emotionless…there is just that subtle hint of a beat…there which perhaps is my heart…

Yes I do have a heart…that beats with or without a care…that has a mind of its own…that refuses to listen…it forces me to hear what I don’t want to…why is it there?

I spoke…said the things I wanted to say…to a third person…who was objective, thoughtful…who I think heard the things I didn’t say…yet it did he really?

I almost broke down…because I didn’t say that which I wanted to…so desperately wanted someone to hear…someone to know…I felt weak…yet the ego wouldn’t allow me to become totally vulnerable…I had to take comfort in the fact that I was strong…such stupidity!

Of course I’m not strong at all…I’m just holding on…holding it all together with a string that has worn over the years…that will snap anyday…that will break me into a thousand pieces…pieces I won’t find to join the me together…

What then? How long will this last? As they say as long as you want it to last…it will.

It’s all in the mind, don’t I say that myself? I’m fighting a loosing battle…with myself…with my inner demons…with a force that is too strong to resist…

Its a vortex that is sucking the life out of me…yet…I live. My heart beats…a steady thump that acknowledges a presence…my presence in my life…most often I have this out of body experience…where I’m living a life where I’m not present…I interact with people…my surroundings…I respond to situations…I do all the ‘living’ things…but then I’m a ghost walker…who’s just so aloof that nothing touches it…I’m a thousand miles away…things I hear don’t have an impact…and when the situation passes…the thoughts go with them…I have no recollection…

I was there…I thought I was there…but I wasn’t…and that’s why I’m frozen in time…

I live in the past…as I know how to handle the past…it makes sense to me…I have no future…I don’t yet…what I do have is just a present which I can’t touch…I simply revisit the past to feel like I’m living…I’m me…I’m alive…

Am I really?